[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
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Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Aaaa…CHOO!
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Breaking news:
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.