*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
You Might Also Like
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early