Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
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It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
i meant to share this earlier
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
A friend helps you before you need it
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”