There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.