To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.