Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?