*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
When I laugh on my period
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Very problematic
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.