wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.