Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period