Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.