[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.