Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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The 6 types of sex
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?