Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.