Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
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You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Thursday Thought.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Finally, a door that understands me
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans