My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
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Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
This could be us… but you playing
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.