Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??