Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are