Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce