* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
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Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.