*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
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Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look