I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
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Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.