spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
You Might Also Like
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.