The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
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Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆