I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.