At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”