Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
sry
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Cndnsd Mlk
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.