“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
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Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Owl Sanctuary
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.