Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
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“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Meow
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*