After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
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My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.