This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My teenage children choosing violence
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
January has been Januweary
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.