The prophecy is fulfilled
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.