Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies