Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
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A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally