3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Stop it! 😂
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end