god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die