ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
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Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.