HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
What is going on? 😅
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.