Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
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Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files