Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
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Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!