If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.