Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The three genders.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad