Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
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you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE