Good morning y’all ☀️
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Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Breaking news:
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.