Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
From Facebook just now…
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Best table by far
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this