When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A fake ID that makes you younger
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
They’re the worst 😩
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.