My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.