Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
i dont have time for this
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years