Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.