Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend