My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
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Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Tremendous stuff
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I’m awake but I object,
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this